For the unaware and uneducated, let me introduce myself. I am “The Venomous and Vile Master of Snake Style,” Ophidian The Cobra. You can find me performing Lucha Libre all over planet earth, occasionally at a burlesque show(check out @thepixiepinup), and always setting chumps on fire as Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.
None of that actually qualifies me to critique horror movies.
Despite this, I enjoy nothing more than some good exploitation cinema. Bad acting, cheesy plots, and lots of gore are guaranteed to pop the fanboy within me. The list I’m providing for your reading pleasure are 5 films from the “Best Worst Horror movies” category. You will probably disagree with me on some of these. Great! You can leave a comment on this page or hit me up on twitter, @ophidiancobra, and tell me what your favorite Best Worst Horror movie is. I just hope to simply introduce you to something new while letting you into the mind of a crazed serpent!
Check out the list after the jump…
5. Weasels Rip My Flesh(1979)
Nathan Schiff is best known for movies like They Don’t Cut The Grass Anymore and The Long Island Cannibal Massacre. Well, I can’t really say he’s known because no one has actually watched those films. Weasels Rip My Flesh is Nathan’s debut film, and was made while he was still in high school. It’s not like I actually need to tell you this. You’ll realize it as soon as you as you see the poorly made spaceship taking off from Venus in the opening scene. It crash lands near the some poor weasels and MADNESS ENSUES! Radioactive goo, guns, a detached weasel arm murdering fools, and a shark. That’s right! This movie doesn’t just stop at Weasels. Shark makes a cameo at the end of the film when a man with rabies (he acts and looks more zombie-like) walks into some shallow water. I like to think its the same Shark that shows up in my number 4 film…
4. Zombie (1979)
Lucio Fulci’s 1979 Zombie classic features the worlds first (and maybe only) Shark vs. Zombie duel to the death. You really don’t need any other reason to see this film, but you’re going to receive one anyway. If you love gore as much as I do, this movie features one of the best acts of violence ever caught on film. Watching a spike of wood slowly get injected into a woman’s retina will haunt your mind for weeks. Seriously, the build to the insertion is almost more haunting than the act itself. Lucio Fulci was one of the front runners in the 1980’s Italian exploitation movement. Random piece of trivia: Barf Bags were handed out to movie goers upon the film’s original theatrical release. Italians couldn’t handle how bad this film was. Or the gore. What a bunch of pansies.
3. Thankskilling (2009)
Just look at the tagline for this film: “Gooble, Gooble, Motherlicker”. I know it doesn’t say that, but I’m trying to maintain a level of professionalism here. At one point, Turkie pulls out a gravy flavored condom and does the “business” with a woman. Not another turkey. A full sized woman. The woman also happens to think its a man. I… can’t really say anything else about this film without getting into some trouble. Just watch it. I’m apologizing now for the trauma you shall experience from this film. Also, for the hour of your life you will never get back.
2. Killer Clowns from Outer Space (1988)
I hate clowns. I hate them as much as I hate Amasis. I hate them sooooo much I almost didn’t add this film to the list. If the planet was invaded by the clowns in this movie, it might not be so bad. They will turn your friends into cotton candy. That doesn’t sound too bad. It makes eating them a whole lot easier. The clowns in this movie are some of the creepiest that will ever end up on your TV screen. What makes them not so creepy is when you find out all they want to ride you like a merry go round. There have been talks of Stephen Chiodo making a 3D sequel of this film. Lets hope this stays in development hell.
1. Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)
This is more of a comedy than a horror. When the Leprechaun franchise first began, he was a terrifying little bugger. The original 1993 film was an instant classic in the horror genre. Somewhere along the way, Warwick Davis (who played the Lep) found his way into space and there was no turning back. Some of the one liners in this film are up there with Robert Englund’s Freddy Krueger. “A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is the best I’m told,” is just a small taste of what this rapping Leprechaun spews out. Did I forget to mention that the Leprechaun raps?!? Yeah. This movie also features Ice-T! Anything with the Ice Man in it is an instant watch for me.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Tell me what you thought on twitter, or over at Facebook. I’d love to know what your favorite “Best Worst Horror Movie” is.