Guys, I am super bad at planning in advance. It is 4:00am at the time of writing this, I am half-packed for Wrestlemania weekend, there’s a good chance I may not even get my passport in time, and I just ate a can of peas because I don’t have time for anything that takes more effort than that.
In an attempt to make sure that none of you become “frazzled lady with pens in her hair who never gets to kiss boys because she’s a mess and comedies don’t understand women” like I look like right now, I thought I’d do us all a favour and outline some of the things happening during the biggest non-King of Trios wrestling weekend of the year.
I’m super sleepy. It is a terrible idea to be blogging right now. LET’S DO THIS.
Got there early? Need something to do that isn’t staying in your hotel room and watching Impact (like you should be doing every week)? How about some comedy wrestling and cupcakes? Featuring Whole Lotta Denim, Sweet Johnny Killborn, Harry Terjanian, the handsome Dan Barry, and our very dear and favouritest friend Brandon Stroud, this is going to be a lot of fun. I’ll be the one whipping loonies and shouting lewd, Canadian-specific things at Dan Barry.
4:00pm, WrestleCon: Evolve 19 has set up an eight-man tournament to crown the first Evolve champion, plus three non-tournament matches. This card is basically a who’s who of people I love to watch wrestle, and are really ridiculously good at it. Chuck Taylor! Sami Callahan! AR Fox! The Young Bucks! And apparently Uhaa Nation will be there doing something! Presumably just being generally awesome, but hopefully hossing the sugar out of every single person who comes near him. And really, isn’t that what we all want?
7:30pm, iPPV only (sold out): I make no attempt whatsoever to pretend that I enjoy Ring of Honor. Chances are if your name is not ACH, Veda Scott, or ________ Bravado, I probably don’t care. But I am not you, and a lot of you love someone in ROH, so hey, maybe check it out! Tell them that girl who makes fun of their television show and thinks the redhead should wrestle sent you.
7:30pm, Westbury: TNA house shows are about a million times more fun than televised shows, and oh man, I wish I were going to this. I wasn’t able to do the Impact report last week, and because of basically everything on this list I won’t be doing it this week. I have to confess, I actually miss writing about it. It’s a weird thing to love so much, especially when so much is so bad so often, but I have such affection for this stupid show. Also, Robbie E. will be facing Joseph Park which means…wait, what am I saying? Joseph Park will be there, and you shouldn’t need any more of a reason to go. In fact, the only other reason I will accept is “tell Mike Knox I’m Canadian, maybe also hug him.” …that one might be a tad specific.
8:00pm, WrestleCon and iPPV: CZW does a lot of really, truly sh-tty things, but I’m going to bypass all of the things I could say that bait commenters into calling me sanctimonious and insisting that I don’t understand wrestling. If you’re into giving money to a company that makes a lot of stupid decisions and does a lot of stupid, stupid things, you probably won’t actually be disappointed. The aerial assault match has the potential to be out of this world, and hey, Sami Callihan, you’re pretty great. As for the rest of it, please consult this link.
11:55pm, WrestleCon: Kaiju is truly a love it or hate it type of promotion. Either you give yourself over to having fun, or you think it’s probably the dumbest thing in the world. Whether I end up going or not, hey – we’ll always have National Pro Wrestling Day, right Tucor?
12:00pm, WrestleCon, iPPV: Hooooooooooooooly smokes, guys. This is the number two event for the weekend for me (sorry ladies), and I am over the moon excited. This is gonna be so good, and you are the silliest person if you’re in the area and not going. Go ahead – click the link. Look at the card. I will wait. …what? You’re still not convinced? Well then why don’t you let Evie tell you about what’s going to happen to MEEGIN at DISTINNY?
And if that’s still not enough to make your heart grow three sizes, know that if you come, you’ll get to hear Brandon and I do terrible New Zealand accents and cheer the heck out of almost everyone because this card is so so good.
4:00pm, WrestleCon: The number one event for me this weekend, and the entire reason my boyfriend and I will be in town in the first place. I know that going for Chikara and staying for Wrestlemania “just because” is a little…backwards…but if there’s a single thing you know about me other than “girl” and “Canadian” and “really super into Joseph Park,” it should be that I love Chikara with all of my wrestling heart. If you haven’t listened to this week’s Crazy Chikara Conspiracy Podcast, let me tell you there are some crazy, crazy things happening in Chikara right now and they are crazy, crazy good. Tim Donst will face Archibald Peck because my heart can’t have nice things, Jervis Cottonbelly will be there and sweet and selling his new shirt, and just…guys….just go. Buy tickets and go and have fun because Chikara is the best thing and will never not make you happy in some way.
AND JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE EFFING ANTS (AND THAT ONE PUMPKIN-BASED NON-ANT)
8:00pm, WrestleCon: Of all the gates to open, this is the ultimate! This obviously has a lot of the same guys as the Evolve match, but they’re still really good, and I doubt that will change in a day. Sami Callihan vs. Uhaa Nation gives me a lady wrestling boner, and AR Fox & Cima vs. The Young Bucks is going to be so much fun. If you’re not busy going to the Hall of Fame event, and you’re not busy hanging with the NXT guys not famous enough to be invited to the Hall of Fame event, spend your money, go to this, and tell Uhaa Nation he should wrestle everywhere. It’s true, and it’ll probably make him feel good.
11:55pm, WrestleCon: I have this problem where I want to hug all of the squishy wrestlers. Mark Henry, Big Show, Pierre Abernathy, Joseph Park – all of the hugs I can give are theirs for the taking. 5 Dollar Wrestling is what it is, and what it is is that this is a terrible sentence I have written just to say I would like to hug you, Freight Train. I would like to hug you and then have you read The Sirens of Titan to me because I want you to say stuff to me forever.
1:00pm, WrestleCon: Having run out of gates to open, this pre-Mania event is so hot it’s sure to get the MERCURY RISING. But hopefully not too much as I don’t like being uncomfortably warm at events. The more I look at this show, the more I really want to go. In fact, I may have just convinced myself. And hey, you should too! Uhaa Nation! Christina von Eerie! I am so tired I’m just going to shout words at you until you go! BANANA! HELLO KITTY! NOVELIZATION OF THE MOVIE! WRESTLING!
Who am I kidding, of course you know it’s WrestleMania! A good number of you will be watching, or conversely coming to section 135 to say hello to Brandon, myself, and my boyfriend Matthew so he doesn’t feel left out.
This week Joe Keatinge and I guested on the War Rocket Ajax to discuss the weather, Chris Sims’ subscription to Thrasher, and oh, a full-on WrestleMania preview. It was a super fun podcast, and I’m pretty sure that at some point Chris Sims, Joe, and I will all be wandering the concourse during the Triple H match in matching Jack Swagger shirts and convincing Sims not to spend $300 on a title belt.
Let us know what you’re doing, where you’ll be, and what you’re most looking forward to! It is well past 4:00am and I’m going to bed!
Danielle Matheson is very, very tired and probably totally didn’t go to bed like she said she would. You can find her at a few of these events, and most definitely Chikara. She’ll be the one with hair that looks like cotton candy and giggles almost solely directed at Jervis Cottonbelly.