Backstage, Vince and Shane are casually hanging out in their best Sears catalogue poses discussing “Bobby Lashley’s last stand at One Night Stand.” Remember, the guy who just said that will have more money than you ever will in your lifetime. Vince claims to have a gnawing feeling that something bad is going to happen to him tonight. I can only assume he means watching tape of the pay-per-view back in his hotel room. Shane plays off what Vince describes as a “slow-moving cancer” as “something he ate.” As someone who uses hyperbole at least 7000 times a day, that’s exactly how I describe the feeling of eating too much spicy food and not having any Tums around.
Six-Man Tables Match: CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, & Sandman vs. Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, and Matt Striker
Holy jeepers do I ever not tire of Sandman’s entrance. As someone who watched/still watches a lot of ECW proper, it seems odd to see it play out in such a large crowd. That said, his entrance is one of those touchstones I hold onto so dearly. It’s right up there with the moment Chris Jericho’s music hits, the squealing tires of Mickey Foley’s entrance, Jesse Ventura’s casual racism towards Tito Santana, and the warm, dulcet tones of William Regal. I love the glass break of Steve Austin’s music from watching and rewatching and then watching Mick Foley’s title win one more time. It’s comforting and familiar.
Sandman is one of those unusual cases of a wrestler getting into better shape as time goes on. Bully Ray Dudley, née Bubba, is another example. He used to just be the fat white guy, and now he is ripped as f-ck in TNA. Sandman is also one of the rare few who made his money outside of ECW, and doesn’t have to sell t-shirts out of his car at independent shows in the middle of nowhere just to make rent. He also had some pretty badass shirts. My default CAWs usually have Sandman’s entrance. And Kane’s lighting. In short, I kinda dig Sandman. I am also procrastinating because I don’t want to press play.
Oh hey look, it’s Tommy Dreamer. The first time I met Tommy Dreamer he informed me that “Devon likes the white women,” and that “some wrestlers are more accessible than others.” I’ve seen Dreamer at so many shows lately it’s actually a little weird when I go to an independent wrestling show and he’s not there. Tommy Dreamer’s WWE knockoff Alice in Chains theme is pretty dreadful. This is my favourite picture of Tommy Dreamer:
Coincidentally, this brings us to our next entrant: CM Punk. Joey Styles explains that CM Punk was heavily recruited by the New Breed, only to join them, turn on them, then join up with the ECW Originals just prior to joining the Main Event Mafia. Er…wait. I think I made one of those up. Either way, CM Punk is here, and he’s coming out to This Fire Burns, otherwise known as one of the songs I know all of the words to thanks to Raw vs. Smackdown 2011.
Matt Striker, Elijah Burke, and Marcus Cor Von don’t get individual entrances. You may recognize Elijah Burke from his 17 year feud in TNA against Samoa Joe as “The Pope” D’angelo Dinero wherein he stole Samoa Joe’s laptop, and Joe threatened to murder him with a hammer. I totally blanked on who Marcus Cor Von is, only to realize later that he was Monty Brown in TNA. In case you don’t remember who he is, let me refresh your memory with this snippet from his Wikipedia entry:
He returned to [TNA] on March 10, 2004, attacking the Insane Clown Posse during a match in the process. He now had an in-ring persona of being from the Serengeti, which involved him wearing leopard and tiger-print trunks, and possessing the mannerisms of an African predatory animal.
If you don’t remember that, then please trade brains with me.
An early highlight of this match is CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer doing an adorable Dudley Boys impression before they follow their own advice and get the tables. For those of you who aren’t familiar with my Very Favourite Wrestling Things™, wrestlers doing impressions of other wrestlers ranks pretty high up there, right alongside hugs from Dasher Hatfield and Nick Bockwinkel rapping.
This match is way, way better than it had any right to be, and I’m actually really disappointed it’s over so soon. Fast-paced, well picked spots, smashy stuff, power bombs…lots of fun! I’m glad we have thick walls and cool neighbours, because otherwise I’d be getting a noise complaint for shouting “YEEEAAAAH, DREAMER DRIVER!” in the middle of the night. I also never get excited for Dreamer Drivers, so hey, tables match, good on you. Here’s a screenshot of the finish:
Yes please.
The Mandible Claw 
ONS 2005 and 2006 are two of my favorite wrestling PPV’s of all time. The level of Vince ruining something I loved (ECW) that followed 2006 was so high, it poisoned a lot of great talent for me (I still hate on Bobby Lashley, and John Morrison, and thought I hated Edge until he retired, and realized I was a fool)., and it made me put down wrestling for a few years.
With the exception of the Dreamer, Punk, Sandman match, I’m not sure much fun can be had watching this, but I am eager to hear/see this from your cheerful perspective.
Monty Brown’s ‘Pounce” in TNA was hilaaarious. I think the way the announcer sold it every time always gave me a kick. I think I’m gonna go look that up now. Also, SHAAARK. Also: Personal life aside, I really emjoyed Melina as a wrestler. Sure, there was sex appeal. But more often than not, she actually looked like she belonged out there. In my opinion, of course.
I still don’t know what that personal life thing was about, but yeah, Melina was pretty serviceable in the ring and had some cool moves, which automatically puts her in a pretty high tier of Divas.
“After carefully making sure to have my headphones in, waking up my boyfriend with my enthusiastic rendition of Kane’s entrance music”
Were you singing along to “Slow Chemical”!? Please say YES.
…brb, gonna go listen to “Slow Chemical” 5x in a row.
Ok, I am back, only listened to “Slow Chemical” twice. Where was I? OH WOW SHARK!!! That’s a lamp too isn’t it? I’m sure it is because I have one just like that but it is a Spongebob lamp…As a reminder, I am 25 years old, married and have a 4 month old son.
One should never stop being a kid at heart. :D
It is kinda mindblowing that the big dumb glass cannon we knew as Batista and his rarely better than passable mic skillz & charisma (& anything else that translates to successful anything aside from bigness) is actually turning out to have a fairly legit acting career.
I really got into Batista from the moment he told Rey Mysterio that he was going to RIP HIS HEAD OFF. That and Batista’s feud with Cena towards the end of his run with WWE was pretty great stuff IMO.
Really enjoyed this and hope it becomes a regular thing.
I liked Melina for most of her WWE stint. Was this match around the time she succumbed to her personal demons and stopped being good?
Was Cena getting mega pops from the crowd or did they turn on him at this point? It’s always weird to see his match versus JBL and hear literally everyone in the building cheering for Cena.
That was a weak HLA kiss. /Can’t believe HLA was a thing.
Good write-up to a shitty PPV. The Edge/Batista match was my favorite part. Especially with the surprise ending.
I love these and would read a thousand of them.
Please recreate more matches via paper dolls, thank you!
Also, this whole thing is great.
What Brandon said, pretty much. Please write millions of them all the time.
This was fantastic. If you do more you should limit yourself to PPVs you can find for 4.99 or less, VHS would be preferable. That way you’re really getting the cream of the crop
/Pushes all of the +’s across the table.
You win, lady. Best in the world.