Ophidian’s Top 5 Movies You Watch with Your Girlfriend

22 May


I’ve been out of the movie blogging game recently rehabbing my leg for a big match thats about to happen. If you didn’t know, on June 2nd live on iPPV, I’m killing Amasis like Michael Bay kills childhood memories. When I’m done that, I’m stuffing his corpse in a sarcophagus. That’s right. I’m rehabbing my bum knee to put a Pharaoh in a sarcophagus live on iPPV. It’s just another Sunday afternoon at the office for me. Now that I’m done training in 100 times the gravity of Earth, I’m taking a break to bring you this new list entitled “Top 5 Movies You Watch with Your Girlfriend.” 

This week’s Top 5 is about the ladies. We’ve all had a girlfriend at one point in our lives. And if you haven’t had a girlfriend, you’ve at least been on a date. Well, everyone but the Goblin from the Demon’s Toilet, Kobald (follow The Prince of Goblins). We watch the movies ladies really want to see in hopes of getting on their good side. Every once in a while, we’re introduced to something awesome. This list is in tribute to those movies.

FACT: Mean Girls was not included on this list with good reason. You watched that on your own. We all know you’ve fantasized about most of the ladies in that film.

5. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

10-things-i-hate-about-youWhat if The Joker and Robin went to the same high school together? Then, that girl who Saves the Last Dance shows up?!? Nickelodeon’s Alex Mack is here too! We can’t forget the couch stoner from Harold & Kumar go to White Castle. If I had a high school experience, I’d be friends with none of these people. Maybe the Joker, but I’d just end up spewing mist in his face like I do everyone else. Regardless, you should REALLY watch the trailer for this movie:

FACT: This movie is based off the Shakespeare play “The Taming of the Shrew”.

This movie IS the 90’s. The music, the style of dress, the attitude! This is the essential 90’s teen movie. Compared to a lot of the teen crap that was spewed out of Hollywood in the 90’s, this is a classic. The premise is simple. If Alex Mack can get her sister, Julia Stiles, a boyfriend, her father (played by Larry Miller, the only actor willing to participate in the awful TV series based on this movie) will allow her to date, too. They do a lot with it and put a great spin on this genre of film. This movie also introduced the American audience to the Australian born Heath Ledger. (ed. note: Come on, no one else watched Roar?)

4. A Walk to Remember (2002)

a walk to remember

The director of this movie is a man by the name of Adam Shankman. ShankMan sounds like the name of an ethnic superhero! This is one of many Nicolas Sparks novels that were turned into movies. I’ve seen The Notebook way more than anyone ever should. I had an old roommate that watched The Notebook whenever he was sad which was about everyday. That didn’t make the list because that movie bores me to death. Ryan Gosling is an immature tool in that film. If it was the Ryan Gosling from Young Hercules, then maybe it would be…no, it would still be a film I don’t want to watch.

I really do miss when TV shows were made like this:

A Walk to Remember is a remarkably better story than The Notebook. Mandy Moore being super cute and innocent helps. I didn’t realize she was a person until this movie. It has a charm that can’t be manufactured. Like the original Rocky film (this movie is nothing like Rocky), you want the main character, played by Shane West, to succeed. He’s truly an underdog. He’s vying for the love of a girl who’s only got months left to live. She, along with her father, refuses to let anyone into her life because it will only end in extreme heartache. Shane West finally wins the affection of Mandy Moore and she dies. Dies. She did the J-O-B to cancer. As I stated earlier, you cannot replicate the emotion this movie provokes. I’m a fan of film and this is an extremely well made film.

FACT: If you want to be in two places at once, stand at the borderline of two states. Genius.

3. Cry Baby (1990)

cry baby

So this movie led to an argument between Hayley Jane and I. She feels this isn’t a chick flick. She feels John Waters doesn’t make chick flicks. This is the same man that gave us Pink Flamingos and Cecil B. Demented. Despite this, I have never had the urge to watch Cry-Baby. I would have never watched this if it wasn’t for a lady introducing it into my life. A kung-fu wielding Cobra-man is not the target demographic for this film. It’s a love story about bad boy heartthrob Johnny Depp falling for the square girl from the other part of town, Amy Locane. Its set in the 50’s with a cast just as colorful and over the top as the time.

Besides J-Depp, this movie also has ex-porn star Traci Lords who is on fire in this film. If you’re not familiar with her, she’s Bubbles in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. She was also Chameleon in one of my favorite horrible pro wrestling movies, Black Mask 2: City of Masks. Rob Van Dam is also in that movie:

Hatchet Face is my favorite character in this movie. John Waters is great at creating memorable characters and places. Hatchet Face is one you won’t forget. She threatens to cut people as often as Eddie Kingston backfists fools. Iggy Pop pops up in this, too!

FACT: The “Enchanted Forest” amusement park featured in the film opened a week after Disneyland, bombed, and the decrepit remains of the castle still stand in Ellicott City, MD.

2. Amelie (2001)


The French have made a bunch of movies about ladies I absolutely enjoy. One was a film about a set of ladies named Lucie and Anna. If you’ve been following my lists, you already know about this film:

Like most of the women in French films, Amelie is bit strange. Her father kept her sheltered and safe from the world due to him thinking she had a heart condition. When Amelie is finally unleashed on the world, the timid and reserved nature she carries skews her view of the world in grandiose fashion. The use of colors in this film alone sets it apart from anything you’ll ever watch. The cinematography is second to none. Her interactions with people (or lack thereof) feel genuine as if you have or know people who have been in these situations. The creative use of the camera will make you forget this was the same man (Jean-Pierre Jeunet) that directed Alien Resurrection. That was a pretty bad film, but nowhere near as terrible as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. (ed. note: The opinions of Ophidian are in no way representative of the opinions of The Mandible Claw regarding the brilliance of Jean-Pierre Jeunet)

The running joke about the traveling lawn gnome is what really won me over:

1. Josie & The Pussycats (2001)

josie and the pussycats

Let’s just get this out of the way first. If I didn’t put this movie at Number 1, I would’ve been rehabbing two knee injuries. The First Lady of the Cobra Nation and Sensei of Sexy, Hayley Jane, worships this movie. She quotes it religiously. I definitely would have never watched this on my own. I’m glad the ukulele wielding pixie made me do so. CONSPIRACY MODE, ENGAGE: Lets take a look at Eugene Levy’s Speech mid movie…

“I’m here to talk to you about something very important. And no, it’s not about me or my career. I’m here to talk about subliminal messages in rock and roll music. Or as it’s simply known in some cultures, ‘rock music’. You see, for years the government has been wisely coercing teenagers to buy products they normally wouldn’t want, just to get their money. Fact! Kids don’t have bills to pay. Fact! They don’t pay taxes. But! They do babysit and hold minimum wage jobs that earn them wads of cash as substantial as, well, my body of work. But kids today aren’t dumb. They’re not gonna buy just anything. That’s why the government has been planting small subliminal advertising suggestions in today’s rock music. The results? We can now get these kids to buy just about anything. We can have them chasing a new trend every week. And that is good for the economy. And what’s good for the economy… is good for the country. So God bless the United States Of America – the most ass-kickin’ country… in the world!”

This movie is all about The Media’s control over teenage culture. Mind control, subliminal messages, Illuminati references, and so much more! The villain in this film is the uber hot Parker Posey (Blade:Trinity) and Alan Cummings who runs the largest record label in the US. Her Cobra Commander-esque control center is funded by the US government. From here, they create new trends, slang and music that they force feed to the youth of America. They also mastermind the deaths of pop stars using MTV and VH1, with shows like Behind The Music, to cover it up. This movie has a TON of subliminal advertising that they made no money off of, which in turn, makes the use of it that much more impactful. The conspiracy theorist in me had a ball with this film.

Danielle Matheson, curator of this site, says, “Josie and the Pussycats is the greatest comic-to-film adaptation of all time I will shoot fight anyone who disagrees.” You should check this film out. If you don’t feel comfortable watching this on your own, convince a lady they want to watch it. It seems all of them like this movie.

Let us end this with Du Jour’s hit single from the movie, eh-hmm, “Backdoor Lover” (ed. note: YES PLEASE):

You can follow Ophidian on Twitter here, and buy stuff from him here. Do it. He’s a rad snake dude. Well…unless you’re Amasis. Then you should probably steer clear of him.

du jour!


9 Responses to “Ophidian’s Top 5 Movies You Watch with Your Girlfriend”

  1. johnjohnthebastard May 22, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

    No love for Safety Not Guaranteed? My girlfriend enjoys it quite thoroughly and it deals heavily with time travel, which seems to be a popular subject on this blog.

    • ophidianthecobra May 22, 2013 at 11:35 pm #

      I have never heard of this film. I did just google it and you have now peeked my interest. I felt this list could ONLY include movies i have watched because a significant other made me watch it. I will check out Safety Not Guaranteed.

      • Tabi May 30, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

        that’s fine, why wouldn’t it be? Loving your stuff #snakestyle <3

  2. Dan MacRae May 22, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

    I declare this list to be totally jerkin’!

  3. ChudleyCannons May 22, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    Fun fact: if you replaced #4 with Tokyo Drift or Flash Gordon, this list could be called “Top 5 Movies You Watch with Chris Sims.”

  4. themandibleclaw May 22, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    Yeah, except for A Walk to Remember, this is basically just a list of “Movies Danielle Loves and Wants to Watch Immediately.

    • Stacey May 22, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

      #1 and #5 are my jams, yo.

    • m May 29, 2013 at 11:46 pm #

      I don’t get the movie/song reference, so I can only read your editor’s note as a ringing endorsement of anal sex. Which… seems honestly a bit dangerous to do in Canada. No one wants a freezing cold Quebecois boner up the ol’ poop shute. You’re a grown woman who can do her lovin’ any which way she chooses, but please be careful, Danielle;)

  5. Stacey May 22, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    Ophidian with a Roar reference FTW! Loved that show…

    Also FUCKYEAH JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS!! I totes have Du Jour on my iPod and screw anyone who tries to shame me for it.


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